Working Mom

Well, we are back to reality. Last year was an amazing time for me as a mom. As Chief, my hours were flexible, my weekends were free, I loved all the time I had to spend with Ava. Since starting my fellowship July 1, it's been a difficult transition for me. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm doing, I'm sure that this is the right choice for me in the long run. But it's still tough. I'm working 12 hour days most days, which are both physically and emotionally draining. I spend each moment doing whatever I'm doing as fast as possible so that I can move onto the next task as fast as possible and accomplish that one as fast as possible. My mind is running a million times a minute from the moment I walk through the door at 7 am until I finally leave for the evening. Every single task I engage in is interrupted at least once by my pager. I have yet to sit through an entire conference or lecture without being paged out multiple times. I get home in the evening exhausted, hitting my own bed about 15 minutes after I get Ava down.

These are the same challenges I faced as an intern...only now I can't come home to lay on the couch and decompress. I reload on the trip home from the hospital to try to get in as much playtime with Ava as I can before she goes to sleep. One nice thing about having Meredith here is that we can let Ava stay up a little later in the evenings to play, because she can then sleep in a bit in the morning. I'm pretty sure Meredith is cool with the extra hour of sleep in the mornings as well. :)

Nonetheless, Ava is a two year old. And not only is she a two year old, she's MY two year old. Does anyone remember me as a two year old? Based on the stories my mother shares, I believe I was quite a handful. She is Miss Independent and the tantrums are so challenging to deal with at the end of the days I'm having at work. Since she has been tiny, she has always oscillated back and forth between having a "preference" for Jake or me at any given time. I'm never completely clear on what causes her to shift from one to the other, but of course, I always blame myself. Right now, she is all about Daddy. She wants Daddy to put her to bed, Daddy to make her lunch, Daddy to read her books. I know she's two, but it's still hard. I can't help but feel that my busy days are contributing.

Today I was hoping to spend some one-on-one time with her at the pool to do a little bonding. Well, this morning she got mad about something (I honestly can't even remember about what at this point) and hit me. We made her take a time-out until she apologized. Well, thirty minutes later, she was still screaming, crying, and refusing to apologize. She even chose to take a spanking over saying she was sorry. Stubborn little Kate I mean Ava. Then this afternoon we went to put her down for a nap. Of course, she wanted Daddy to put her down. She spent two hours crying, getting out of her bed, walking down the stairs....just fighting the nap. At this point, she is finally asleep, but there is now no chance at having time to hit up the pool.

I know that this time will pass. I know that the tantrums will wear away with age (I think mine finally left around 21...). I will trade in this crazy rotation for a much slower paced one in only three days...one with weekends free, shorter hours, and a mellow pace. Still...I can't help but struggle with the delicate balance of being a hands-on, involved, loving mother while trying to pursue such a challenging career. I think it's safe to say there will inevitably be some tears mixed in with lots of laughter over the next year...just praying for the winds to settle down a bit for us...soon!